Sunday, 7 January 2018

first week of 2018

i've contemplated on writing my thoughts out for so long, but it didn't feel right before. i was too angry, too pissed. i wouldn't write with any rationale. i am still mad now, but i am at a much better place than where i was a few days ago.

i don't even know where to start. i ended my 2017 with a lot of anger that i am not quite sure where i got it from. there was so much angst in me. i was always infuriated, annoyed by something. i blame it on the new medication that i started taking, which i know would mess up with my hormones. but my behaviour towards the people i love? nothing excuses it. i was a dick.

it didn't help that i got seriously sick on my long awaited trip to paris and amsterdam. the weather wasn't helpful too. i've many times told people that i love rain so much. but at that time, i almost wanted to say that i hated the rain. i was sick and the rain made it worse. my handbag was filled with medication tablets, and walking became such a pain. but i pushed through as i didn't know when i'd get to come back. though all i cared when i stepped a foot outside was counting the minutes to going back to the hotel again. it was the trip that i barely touched my phone to take any pictures. i just couldn't care less.

i arrived in london on new year's eve, in pain, crying because i just wanted to lie down and rest, or even die if it helped take the pain away. i slept all the way through the fireworks show; sedated as fuck. my body was filled with drugs. it was the only way i could manage the pain. i woke up on january 1st only to find out that a big chunk of my cash money that i had to survive this month was stolen from me, in my own house.

don't tell me i might've lost it somewhere. the night before i slept i definitely remember still having all of them in my purse. it was the money that i didn't change to euros from the trip. i was home the whole day, only leaving my room when i went to shower during the day, and somebody stole it from me. i remember i've lost my cash a few times before this but it used to be in small amounts so i didn't give it much thought. but not this time. i was enraged that my money was stolen, of course. but what bothered me the most was to think if it's actually someone inside the house who stole it from me. that much betrayal, i absolutely couldn't stand.

dragged myself to see the doctor on the next day, which caused me further pain as my body was being injected and assessed intrusively. i was crying the whole time. but i knew i had to do this to get better. i told myself that my 2018 definitely has gone down the drain and was trying to force myself to accept my fate. i thought the series of unfortunate events have ended. i was wrong.

from lost official graduation photos, missing clearance forms, forgetful nurses, unhelpful staffs, you name it. people's mistakes are causing me pain and trouble, but some things are beyond my locus of control. at one point that day, i screamed "what more bad things???!!! make them all happen now and not tomorrow". telling myself that tomorrow will be a better day was my only comfort. so make all the bad things happen now, and i will endure it. just don't ruin my tomorrow.

i know, i know. i sound like such a spoiled bitch. complaining so much about everything. but it was too much for me to handle at one point :( and this is my safe space for me to vent, to not make sense.

and guys, anyone who read this, please kindly send me your prayers. pray that He eases my affairs and makes it easy for me. make me stronger to face all that's happened and what's to come. please.

thank you so much. and i sure hope your start of the year hasn't been bad. if not, i hope it gets better for you too.


1 comment:

  1. May Allah ease your way , sending hugs and love . Hve a good day ❤️✨