Friday, 10 November 2017

am i a failure?

life is indeed beautiful, but it isn't always easy. the way i portray my life on my social media may be all rainbows with occurrences of depressing posts sometimes. however, i rarely mentioned about any of my failures. thus, i often get cute, innocent messages from people, often the beautiful girls still in high school who kept asking me for tips on how to be successful. i gave whatever tips i could think of, hoping any of them would be of use.

nonetheless, i do want to note that i am not as successful as people might think. i've been reflecting a lot the past few days, as in gossiping with friends about my history, and it just reminded me of the things i have gone through to get here. it's not all rainbows, sadly.

i remember applying to get into sekolah aliran agama after UPSR examination only to be rejected by it. i wasn't aware of the existence of MRSM at that time, so when I saw a few of my classmates in the government school left for MRSM, i felt so left out. like hello, i got good grades too? i deserved to be in a good school as well. what a self-entitled human being. but hey, there's no harm in trying right? 

so i cycled to the post office and mailed a handwritten appeal letter (as in surat karangan rasmi hahaha) to MARA asking them to accept me to get into MRSM. life went on months after that when i suddenly got the letter saying i was accepted for fourth intake at MRSM Kubang Pasu. i was so happy. 

fast forward a few years later, i applied for the top 4 MRSM in malaysia after PMR examination with high hope that i would get in because i was a top student in my batch. i was on my way back to kedah after attending my grandma's funeral in johor when i got a call from my friend saying that the results were out and i wasn't accepted to any of the top 4 MRSM. 

i kept laughing and scolding them thinking it was a joke. it wasn't. i cried my heart out from taiping to kedah when i realized that i really wasn't accepted. my dreams shattered, my heart broken. but life goes on. i stayed at my old mrsm and was given so much opportunities that i probably wouldn't have gotten if i left. either way, i learned to make do with what i have and be grateful.

when i was in INTI doing my american degree foundation program, i really wanted to go to boston university to do my degree there. it was my number one choice amongst a list of five universities that i was applying to. i got accepted to all of them, except boston university; the one i had set my heart for. it costed me bucket of tears again. i was heartbroken. but i went ahead to purdue still and had an experience of a lifetime. i am still forever thankful.

after purdue, i went back home for good in january and wanted to work for a bit to fill up my free time. at that moment, i didn't know anyone else who did psychology and had graduated. thus i had no one to refer to. i wasn't sure where i can work/intern with a degree in psychology. i didn't have any connection. i was clueless. but i told myself again that there is no harm in trying to apply for everything. so i spent days emailing more than 40 people/companies asking about internship opportunities for psychology graduates. only a few people replied me back with rejection news, a very small number invited me for an interview, and the rest of them left my email unanswered. there were too many rejections. i felt unneeded. but thankfully, tfm needed me. 

some of the emails i sent to people...

then, i got accepted to do my masters in ucl. at that time, i was worried about finding a scholarship to study there, but i tried to be positive. i applied for maxis scholarship and worked hard to make the video thingy they asked applicants to do, and diyana even helped me with editing the video. however, i was rejected right away. my heart broke. 

i persevered and told myself that i would try for biasiswa yang dipertuan agong. i cried during completing the application form because there was so much i had to do within a short period of time. crossed my fingers that i would at least get invited for an interview with them because i've put so much effort in my application. but sadly that one evening when i was in kobe, i found out that i was rejected, again. [read more about it here]

i couldn't stop my tears from falling when i called my mom to tell her i failed. i was so disappointed with myself at that time because i felt like i've let people around me down. i was crying for days. there were moments when i was just doing my work and i'd suddenly burst out crying. i was just too sad. at that time, it was my only hope to go to ucl. my future seemed so blurry. but yayasan khazanah suddenly came to the picture and became my savior.

see? i have a lot of failures. i am just like everyone of you. i make mistakes, i fail, i get rejected. but i want us to remember that to keep going in this life, we have to be resilient. it's okay to break down and cry and eat tubs of ice cream if it will help us feel a lil better, but pick up ourselves again and continue the fight. 

i've learned that not trying gives me hurt and regret more than being rejected. do not be afraid to try and do not be afraid of failure. it will lead you to something else. 

spm kids, hang in there and i wish you all the best.



  1. hey, you're really are an inspiration. i like your writings, and i like all your gloomy or non-gloomy pics on instagram too. somehow i can relate so much to your ig posts, more than what i portrayed in my ig account; they're bright and somehow i supposed they should be a bit like yours to suit my darkened soul? haha i dont know. anyway, keep being yourself cause from what i see that's how you are inspiring and encouraging people who come across you. ❤

    1. thank you for the kind words, nadia <3 my instagram really is depressing haha but i think i'm using it as an outlet for me to let out what i feel. it may have put me at a vulnerable spot but i like knowing there are people like you who can relate to what i post. we are all different, but we can all feel similar emotions. hope you're doing okay wherever you are :)

  2. it was such a journey that you had, keep going and be sure to reminisce the wonders.

    1. thank you, alif. wishing the same for you :)