Monday, 26 June 2017

it's a long journey

hello. selamat hari raya everyone, maaf zahir & batin.

i would like to use this free time i have to write about my journey to secure a scholarship to study in UCL.

end of september last year was when i was busy applying for a Masters program in UCL-- it was my first choice. the application process wasn't too hard, except for the fact that i had to make a personal statement. applying for a postgrad school means even your essay has to be wrapped with academic achievements and jargons...

how do i brag about myself academically? how do i make my essay stand out?! i couldn't even mention my skill to nap for 24 hours straight, so how do i make them notice me? well, those were the kind of questions i had when i was writing it. i took one week to finish the essay i think. bugged all my friends to read it and give me feedback, went to my uni's writing lab also. finally that one day i decided it's time to send it in, because if i keep editing it then it's not as genuine anymore. crossed my fingers. i figured that i would only apply to other schools if i got rejected by UCL.

fast forward 2 weeks later, i got the email notifying me that i have been accepted! this was before i even graduated so of course i was ecstatic. but hey, it's gonna get tougher now, i said to myself realizing that securing a scholarship will be extremely harder given that mara no longer gives out convertible loan for postgrad students, sigh. i knew what i was up against. but was i ready for it? i was not.

a few months after that, i've already returned to malaysia finally. i think it was in february that i saw the news about biasiswa yang di-pertuan agong. at that time i was almost at the verge of giving up-- no organizations/scholarship bodies in malaysia are sponsoring psychology postgrad students. but seeing the news gave me hope. i passed all the requirements to apply for biasiswa yang di-pertuan agong, however my field of study wasn't listed in the science field. i still applied regardless, hoping that everything works in my favor. at that time, it was my one and only hope.

the application process was pure m-a-d-n-e-s-s. i had to write a research proposal within a short period of time and it was super stressful. mind you, although i know i wanna specialize in clinical psychology with a specific interest in trauma-- i still didn't know for sure what would be my research topic. so it was really difficult to come up with a proposal when i haven't even decided on the topic. but i finished it after days of writing it in the midst of wiping my tears and snorts. i did it.

i had to submit my application by hand in putrajaya on the day of my flight to tokyo. i still remember myself wearing ziera's baju kurung so that i would make a good first impression when i send it in. it was nerve wrecking, because it was the only option i had left. after that, my friends dropped me off at the airport. ditched the baju kurung, changed to a proper travel wear, and off i went to tokyo. little did i know, about a month later when i was in kobe, i got the notification saying that my application was rejected. my dreams crushed. an absolute abyss of failure. it was a scary feeling-- worthlessness.

i kept remembering people's comforting words to me, that something better is coming. at that time, it was what kept me going.

1 comment:

  1. Not a lot of people are comfortable to write about rejections, or "failures" at a space as publicly accessible as a blog. For you to do this must have required tonnes of courage, and I really admire that Izzy! You go girl <3