Saturday, 18 February 2017

hush hush

i will learn how to hush the mad, furious beatings of my own heart

Friday, 17 February 2017


heaps of mellow ambience tonight. probably because i've been blasting 2ne1's goodbye on repeat. perhaps that's just an excuse too. i just came to realize, i tend to watch sad movies and listen to sad songs even more when sadness starts to overshadow other emotions. i guess it's a way for me to comfort myself. as if i'm telling myself, it's okay girl you're crying because this movie evokes an ocean of blues in you. 

and somehow i don't like that fact. some people loathe sorrow, or they try so hard to shoo it away when they're starting to be sentient of their melancholia (myself included). but don't we all realize? it is totally humane. is that why so many people are continuously chasing for happiness? they want those short, fleeting moments of elation so bad they are constantly chasing it. as if they are trying so hard to replace the melancholic feelings inside them. 

god, it is humane. and it's even more humane to express them. other people may think you are weak for doing so, but i don't. i have a whole new level of admiration and respect for people who openly express their emotions, especially their melancholia. really. and a man i hold dear to my heart once told me, happiness is a scam. in this life, what's truly important is to find balance. find balance in everything. it didn't quite make sense to me back then. but now i think understand what he meant. (ps i miss you jojo)

don't be scared, embrace whatever it is we feel. it is humane. 


find balance in everything. 

Thursday, 9 February 2017

how are you feeling?

how are you feeling nowadays?

this is a tricky question for me. it always has been. i throw my stare out the window and look at the empty houses across mine. empty. emptiness. that's not what i'm feeling. at least not anymore. at least not now.

then how are you feeling now?

i don't know. i think i don't know myself that well. i think i am constantly evolving, changing. but i can tell you a little something.  i think i feel alright, almost okay. i can describe it to you. i'm not good with abstracts but i want to describe it to you.

every night before i go to sleep, i close my eyes with worries about things, but i have people comforting me and telling me i can survive them. i wake up knowing that i have been more accepting towards myself than ever before. i think i am falling in love. falling in love with myself more than anyone else. i think i don't need everyone to tell me, 'i accept you for who you are' anymore. i am already accepting myself, i don't need more.

i look at the sky with more meanings now, in whatever colors it is. i think the sky is the epitome of my changing self. how can i tell you this. everyday, it changes colors. on some days, it's a raging storm up there, with heavy drops of rain. but it is still the same sky. and that is me. i think i change everyday, but no matter how much i change, no matter how bad the storms are, i am still the same.

i think about love too nowadays. not anymore about how love should be possessive, but about how love should liberate oneself. you probably won't get me on this. it's okay. i just think love should be based on selflessness and you should not expect anything in return. love should be liberating. to love, is to be free.

so, my point is, i am feeling well. i am doing good. i am accepting my life as what it is. and i think it's so beautiful how the everyday sky will always remind me of myself.

lets talk about love

Tell me what does love feel like?

She lets out a sigh, looking at the ticking clock as if she has something important to do. She does. Tick tick.. 8.00 am. Her heart screams joy. She climbs the stairs to her room and locks the door, making sure no one will disturb her from these moments she awaits unwearyingly each day. She dials the number on her phone and waits for the person to pick up, as always.

‘Good morning’, a husky, sleepy voice utters those words which melt her heart. She closes her eyes as she listens to the melodious sound of his voice, wondering how much more can he make her feel. This is too much for her heart to feel. Is she capable for more, she does not know her capacity.

She lets out a sigh, knowing that even if this kills, she wants more of him. She craves it. Embracing her storming emotions, she finally let her lips move to utter his name. That’s all she needs. Is this what love feels like. It is not a question.

Fiction or non fiction. You decide.