Saturday, 5 November 2016


it was a very pleasant day. i woke up at 8.10am, just in time to make it to my 8.30am class. diyana and i walked giddily; sleepy yet quite happy, though we complained the weather's too cold that morning.

we parted ways after the class ended. diyana made her way to work, and i made my way to my sign language class. counting minutes; i couldn't wait to see her again at 2pm when my work shift starts.

i was feeling quite lonely in my lab so i texted naqib and adlan, wondering if any of them were in campus. always alone most of the time, but oddly this morning i wanted a company. they were in class. soon after, i got a call from naqib, he was searching for diyana. i told him she's working. it was strange because he sounded as if he was crying, but i somehow made myself believe that he was probably having a runny nose due to the cold.

i texted diyana seconds after that, telling her that naqib searched for her and he sounded as if he's crying. i remember typing, 'WHAT IS HAPPENING'. i got no reply. i continued doing my work.

after i was done with my lab hours, i walked to work. i've always enjoyed the 20 minutes walk to my work place. the weather was splendid today. a rush of cold but with sun glaring intensely. it's a nice mixture of ice and fire. i felt content.

i arrived half an hour early, so i sat on the bench outside the building. surrendering myself to the hot son. i remember recording the sun on my insta story with the caption, 'long time no see'. again, i felt so content. i took out my laptop, placing it on my lap. i was planning to continue my essay.

also, at that time, i was texting nabil. i remember i was just about to ask him, 'have you lost someone you loved in your life?', when suddenly i got the text from maisarah saying that a dear friend of mine has passed away. dumbfounded. astounded. surprised. i couldn't believe it. i kept asking if it's a joke.

it's not.

i remember myself making sense of the whole scenario from this morning;

naqib calling me and sounding like he's crying
diyana not replying my text
my sudden urge to ask nabil if he'd lose someone
the text from maisarah

and i swear, i have never ever felt that way before. i hastily closed my laptop, picking up my stuffs, running to go inside the building to see diyana, while calling naqib to ask if this is all a joke. he answered within seconds.  and he told me the truth. he told me everything that happened. my legs went limp and i fell on the bench, with tears running silently.

'but qib, he's still so young.. how can he already leave'

'ajal, izz', his voice as rough as it could be. i cried. and in that instant, i know, everyone's grieving.

i said goodbye to him and ran inside the building. i was at the door, looking at diyana making sandwiches alone by herself. i was unsure of what to say, what to do. my mind unconsciously made me walk to her. she noticed me standing besides her, she looked me in the eyes, and we both just cried again. no words could verbalize how we felt.

my supervisor, candace, watched us from the front store. i know she didn't know what to do, seeing us cried. but we both didn't wanna go back and dwell in our sadness. 'hang in there', she said before she left. i told them i wanted to go to the toilet, but in actuality i ran outside and called nadiah. i swore in my heart that if she picked up my call, she's my forever. she's always been there for me since day 1, no matter what.

she did pick up the call, and i cried again. i cried, and cried, and cried. i asked her why him. i asked her why did he has to die. i told her he was younger than me. i told her he was so kind. it's unfair. it is unfair.

i cried until no tears could come out. nad listened and listened. then i went inside, put up my strong face for diyana. i need to be strong for her. she's hurting more than me. they were so close to each other. i cheered up. i persevered, for diyana.

diyana told me that if i didn't text her about naqib calling me, she wouldn't have called him back. she wouldn't have known about it if i didn't text her. each piece of today's occurrences started to fall into place. one thing connecting to another.

we both tried to be strong for the few hours left we had to work. when it's time to go back, diyana broke down again. i told her, just cry. i'll be here. no matter when, no matter what, just cry. don't keep it in. she cried the whole time we were walking home.

we all went to pay respect to you today at the masjid, taufiq. i saw people crying, grieving, regardless of religions. and it breaks my heart. tonight, you brought us all together. tonight, we grieved. but you, we will always always always remember.

rest happily on the other side, taufiq.

[nov 4, 2016]

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