Wednesday, 12 October 2016

catching up with self

it's been challenging to write now. i constantly feel the sadness, the melancholia inside me, but i find it difficult to write when i'm always accompanied by the presence of anyone else. i deeply, severely miss my solitude. i think i can only write when i'm in my own little bubble, hence why i marched to the campus at night in the rain just so i could sit quietly alone somewhere and spill everything. yes, it's such a perfect weather for me to write. i think this is meant to be <3

i'm not going to write any deep shit. i think i'd mainly write about myself, what's been keeping me busy this past few weeks. in a few years’ time when i look back at this post, i'd be able to remember how i feel right now again. that's the only purpose of this blog. i don't really write about my experiences here, if you notice. i suck at writing about stuffs i did, they would all sound super boring. so i mostly write about my feelings; how certain things, or events, or places, or people, made me feel. feelings, emotions, including the unfathomable ones.

first of all, remember how my self confidence went so deep down the drain a few months back?? i am no longer that woman. of course i still do have my insecurities. but i'm no longer loathing every part of me during every conscious moment.

i have been thinking about my graduation which is happening in about 2 months, and it would always give me chills. being a student right now, it gives me such a comfortable identity. i speed up 1.5 years of my degree by taking summer classes and all that, but honestly right now i'm super terrified, so nervous to graduate. what am i going to do after this? i don't have a specific profession designed for my degree. i couldn't get a proper work with just a degree in psychology. who am i going to be once i graduate? what would my identity be? what do i identify myself as? these fears in my head sometimes make me think that i should stay here for another semester, just so i can be comfortable again. but what the heck right. even if i stay here for another semester, i'd still have to go through these same fears when i'm about to graduate next semester. so, i decided that i'm just gonna freaking do it.

moreover, i have came to realize that, sometimes no matter how hard we try, things are not going to work out the way we want, the way other people want. sometimes we just have to embrace it, and let go. i tried so hard believing that one person could accept me for who i am but you just can't fool yourself, no? what's the point of hurting yourself when you can already see how it'll end from the start. save your ass from the pain. it took months for me to realize it, but i did.

also, i think it's so fascinating how one person could come into your live and made you realize why you could never open up to anyone else. how one person could make you feel so much. and i'm not talking about love here. i'm talking about self-acceptance. this person made me realize that there's nothing wrong about myself, being who i am. this person made me embrace all those experiences ever since childhood that has turned me into who i am right now. this person, out of nowhere, asked me, "how was your childhood, izz?". no one has ever asked me that so directly and bluntly and randomly. it just shot straight to my heart, how this person genuinely wants to get to know me better.

but still, you can't run away from your fears. i am still scared. you know sometimes i feel like i'm having a hard time to write now because i don't wanna admit that i am scared. how opening up to someone made you somehow feel accepted but also more vulnerable. when i talk to my friends about these hearty things, i always tell them i'm scared people can't accept me blahblah. but the fears never really consume me because i wasn't opening up to anyone new. but this person came and i don’t know how i got the courage to tell this person every. single. thing. about. me. don't you see it? my fears just got real. this person accepts me for who i am, which is such a wonderful feeling. but now i fear i will never find a person like this again. sigh, the heck with fears man. i just want to appreciate every single person who comes into my life. if one day it's fated that they will be gone, i know i would still appreciate our moments together.

and!!!! i have started reading again. this is legit. i'm reading murakami's books, devouring all his pieces, one by one. it's so nice to get back to an old habit.

this is such a long post. i am just writing whatever passing through my mind. i am doing well btw (this is for you, sheera x). it's a bit tiring everyday as i'm working 20 hours per week, and i always have stuffs to do on weekends with my housemates. i don't even have time to watch any kdrama or series or listen to kpop. but i am doing well, even better. i miss friends dearly. i hope everyone is well and content. till next time x

1 comment:

  1. Yay thanks for this post Izzy!! :) I'm happy to know that your housemates are keeping you occupied and that you're doing better now. Your birthday tomorrow kan? Happy birthday in advance, you sweet sweet girl you!!! May all your dreams come true, may Allah shower you with heaps and loads of His blessings, may your housemates spoil you rotten on your special day! :)