Wednesday, 20 July 2016

melancholia and flowers

i was reading poems about you, about light. and my heart quivered at the thought that i might have forgotten the things that made me worthy to be called yours

deep breaths. i recited those verses in my heart. no stutter. a rush of relief brushed through every inch of my soul. do i have one? i kept questioning.

it is despicable. i was boastful and still am when i walk on this earth thinking it doesn't matter if i don't remember you. funny when in the actuality my heart is yearning for you. this heart is in pain and it is dark and it is nothing but empty from your blessings. i am a sinner.

i realized that the more i write about my melancholia and about you, the softer my heart becomes. or does my melancholia nurture flowers to bloom in me? flowers begging for rivers of forgiveness from you. if this helps me become closer to you, then give me strength to continue. again, how shameful. how can i ask you favors when i have done things without shedding a thought about you.

i do not dare moving my two palms up facing the sky and words could not come out from these lips. i do not stutter, i am speechless. but my fingers keep dancing, i am writing. perhaps it is my ego or perhaps i am just too ashamed. but i screamed your name in my heart. my heart is empty but it is heavy. rumi said 'what you seek is seeking you'. i sure hope you do too, like i am seeking you.

july 20, 2016 [0514] seattle, wa

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