Monday, 18 July 2016

a logically incorrect thing

entry 3

guess why i'm back? of course, because i feel sad, yet again. this left me wondering if i am actually a ball of sadness stuck in a woman's body. i don't even have a rigid reason to feel sad tonight. i was actually really happy a few minutes ago, because i talked to ajim, my very very good friend whom has been with me when i need someone since i was form 1. he was my senior back in high school before i went to mrsm, but we've never spoken to each other. we started being friends on yahoo messenger when i was already in mrsm but strangely our friendship has remained strong. there were a few times when we'd lost contact with each other, such as when i left to come here without even telling him (i'm not a good friend). but we always would find each other again. it's been about 8 years since i last met him. how is it even possible, no? i can't wait for him to get married soon so i'd have a definite reason to actually go meet him! you'd never read this dude but i appreciate you being a good friend in my life a lot. so yeah, i was very happy. why did i suddenly cry?

because, i read sheera's post about her birthday. that doesn't even sound logically correct but bear with me!!! it reminded me of birthdays; i've never been fond of my own birthdays. it's sad. when i was small, my birthdays tended to be in ramadhan so we couldn't really celebrate it much, but my family has always made sure they did something to celebrate it with me. then i went to mrsm, and something happened that made me loathed my own birthday. literally. i hated october 14. i hated celebrating it. now probably not anymore, but it's very awkward to start celebrating it again u know. the love that people have given me was the reason my heart was mended but i am so scared of being loved. love is tremendously scary. because of love, you will get hurt. but why does love is still the only thing that can fix the wounds as well? i don't get it. i won't ever get it. why do people keep opening up and giving chances to people who'd hurt them in the end? and why do i only relate love to the negative adjectives. when it comes to love, i am a pessimist.

sheera wrote a lot about her friends, which made me think of all my friends too. although i dont have a lot of them, i'm so glad that some people have chosen to stay in my messy life. i'm truthfully sorry for being such  a bad friend. i'm bad at keeping in touch, replying comments, texting others first, or even wishing people's birthdays. oh god, how do these people bear with me. if you read this, please know that i appreciate every single one of you. i might seem brave or courageous or independent, but truthfully i'm a true coward when it comes to love and relationship.

sheera, happy 22nd birthday to you again. i'm so glad reading how lovely your friends celebrated you on your big day. it's funny how you've affected my life so much through this platform. thank you for commenting first on my blog. if you didn't, i wouldn't probably be crying tonight reading your blogpost. i think it's fated to be. i've always felt like we have so many things in common (mainly our korean related obsessions hehe) but still, thank you for always being supportive. i hope you're truly happy and i hope you're loved rightfully and i hope you become the woman you aspire to be. again, happy 22nd! <3

july 18, 2016 [3.34am]

1 comment:

  1. Awww Izzy!!! Thank you for the birthday wish babe, thank you for reading my blog, and I'm sorry if it has rubbed you off the wrong way!! >.<

    But trust me when I say this, I too am bad at maintaining healthy relationships with people around me. But I've learnt to never take people for granted, and I still am learning. I think we all are. So don't beat yourself up for it, take your time, you're getting there!

    On my way home from my little birthday celebration, my two best friends asked me if I was happy, because they felt like they didn't do enough to celebrate me. There were no balloons, no cakes, no birthday song, no themed parties, but I told them it was nothing short of magical to me. Because first, I got to see my favourite people (my family & friends). And second, I got my favourite foods (honey sotong & naan cheese caramel). I guess that's how I define my happiness hahaha, everything else is just secondary to me :)

    If there's anything you can take away from me, it is to define your own happiness the way you want it to be.

    Thank YOU for reminding to be thankful for my friends!! Hehe :)

    I hope you'll be able to enjoy your birthday more and more each year!!! Let me be the first to wish you this year : HAPPY ADVANCED BIRTHDAY, IZZY! I'm 3 months early I know but I wanna be the first because I kiasu hahaha.