Monday, 25 July 2016


i forgot that talking to a stranger can trigger painful memories. or better, i forgot that those painful memories are always here, inside of me. haunting me.

july 25, 2016 [2024] seattle

Wednesday, 20 July 2016

i should have kissed her

i couldn't forget it, forget him. that day i was on the bus, making my way from portland to seattle. him, that guy, was sitting at the seat right across mine. i remember he was tall, with long muddled brown hair, and beard covered the lower part of his face. i silently thought that he might be a musician, or an artist nonetheless. he had those kinda vibes. artistic. 

our driver stopped at the gas station for a break, but we both remained seated in our seats. i was just busy blasting some emo music in my ears. i wrote about it, i was emo that day. i realized i would miss portland so much my heart ached in pain. my eyes were overly stubborn that day, they did not want to fall asleep. while everyone else was fast asleep, i saw he took out his notebook, gazed outside the window for a few good moments, and started to let the ink from the pen wet the pages of his notebook, the realities of his thoughts. his sentiments.

he is a writer? i was thrilled. too curious, i kept looking at his hands moving along every line on the page when i saw he penned "i should have kissed her..."

don't tell me. i gasped as if my heart was crushed. it was not even my story but i could feel the pain. that sentence was crammed with qualms of regrets, disappointments, and sorrow. the regrets of a lover. 

the bus began to move again, and so he kept his notebook back in his bag pack. i saw him moved his face towards the window and tossed his view outside, looking beyond the horizon. i wonder, if he was still thinking of her. 

july 20, 2016 [1732] seattle, wa

melancholia and flowers

i was reading poems about you, about light. and my heart quivered at the thought that i might have forgotten the things that made me worthy to be called yours

deep breaths. i recited those verses in my heart. no stutter. a rush of relief brushed through every inch of my soul. do i have one? i kept questioning.

it is despicable. i was boastful and still am when i walk on this earth thinking it doesn't matter if i don't remember you. funny when in the actuality my heart is yearning for you. this heart is in pain and it is dark and it is nothing but empty from your blessings. i am a sinner.

i realized that the more i write about my melancholia and about you, the softer my heart becomes. or does my melancholia nurture flowers to bloom in me? flowers begging for rivers of forgiveness from you. if this helps me become closer to you, then give me strength to continue. again, how shameful. how can i ask you favors when i have done things without shedding a thought about you.

i do not dare moving my two palms up facing the sky and words could not come out from these lips. i do not stutter, i am speechless. but my fingers keep dancing, i am writing. perhaps it is my ego or perhaps i am just too ashamed. but i screamed your name in my heart. my heart is empty but it is heavy. rumi said 'what you seek is seeking you'. i sure hope you do too, like i am seeking you.

july 20, 2016 [0514] seattle, wa

Monday, 18 July 2016

a logically incorrect thing

entry 3

guess why i'm back? of course, because i feel sad, yet again. this left me wondering if i am actually a ball of sadness stuck in a woman's body. i don't even have a rigid reason to feel sad tonight. i was actually really happy a few minutes ago, because i talked to ajim, my very very good friend whom has been with me when i need someone since i was form 1. he was my senior back in high school before i went to mrsm, but we've never spoken to each other. we started being friends on yahoo messenger when i was already in mrsm but strangely our friendship has remained strong. there were a few times when we'd lost contact with each other, such as when i left to come here without even telling him (i'm not a good friend). but we always would find each other again. it's been about 8 years since i last met him. how is it even possible, no? i can't wait for him to get married soon so i'd have a definite reason to actually go meet him! you'd never read this dude but i appreciate you being a good friend in my life a lot. so yeah, i was very happy. why did i suddenly cry?

because, i read sheera's post about her birthday. that doesn't even sound logically correct but bear with me!!! it reminded me of birthdays; i've never been fond of my own birthdays. it's sad. when i was small, my birthdays tended to be in ramadhan so we couldn't really celebrate it much, but my family has always made sure they did something to celebrate it with me. then i went to mrsm, and something happened that made me loathed my own birthday. literally. i hated october 14. i hated celebrating it. now probably not anymore, but it's very awkward to start celebrating it again u know. the love that people have given me was the reason my heart was mended but i am so scared of being loved. love is tremendously scary. because of love, you will get hurt. but why does love is still the only thing that can fix the wounds as well? i don't get it. i won't ever get it. why do people keep opening up and giving chances to people who'd hurt them in the end? and why do i only relate love to the negative adjectives. when it comes to love, i am a pessimist.

sheera wrote a lot about her friends, which made me think of all my friends too. although i dont have a lot of them, i'm so glad that some people have chosen to stay in my messy life. i'm truthfully sorry for being such  a bad friend. i'm bad at keeping in touch, replying comments, texting others first, or even wishing people's birthdays. oh god, how do these people bear with me. if you read this, please know that i appreciate every single one of you. i might seem brave or courageous or independent, but truthfully i'm a true coward when it comes to love and relationship.

sheera, happy 22nd birthday to you again. i'm so glad reading how lovely your friends celebrated you on your big day. it's funny how you've affected my life so much through this platform. thank you for commenting first on my blog. if you didn't, i wouldn't probably be crying tonight reading your blogpost. i think it's fated to be. i've always felt like we have so many things in common (mainly our korean related obsessions hehe) but still, thank you for always being supportive. i hope you're truly happy and i hope you're loved rightfully and i hope you become the woman you aspire to be. again, happy 22nd! <3

july 18, 2016 [3.34am]

Friday, 15 July 2016

why do i only write when i'm-

entry 2

i was on the bus, making my way to seattle. and through the big window glass, i could see the tall buildings of downtown portland. it hit me; how i love this spectacular city so very much.

a big city, but not incredibly crowded. portland is the city of adam & mia; the two fictional characters from if i stay novel series who are very dear to my heart. i will miss exploring the city, where i could walk around the city parks and stumbled upon free shakespeare in the park shows, where i could read sylvia plath's nearby willamette river while waiting for sunset. the thing is, i will miss this city the most for i have my own specific playlist for it. willamette stone's songs. adam's. oh, my poor heart.

but i was already leaving.

clouded by sadness, i took my phone out to write. then it struck me. why do i only write when i'm sad?

a question unanswered.

july 15, 2016 [12.18pm]

Tuesday, 12 July 2016

where are you?

entry 1

i'm leaving indiana to search for rain, but it suddenly rained when i was about to leave. how ironic.

the flight took off at sunset. i was seated at the window seat, i was lucky. i stared at the sunset through the window, covered with droplets of rain. that was one of the most beautiful sunsets i've ever seen. i couldn't even describe it; orange-ish and pink-ish sky both at the same time. mixed feelings. why does being at airports always make me want to cry?

the flight attendants were funny, they kept cracking jokes every time they announced something. i guess they knew i was feeling sappy.

"...put on the oxygen mask on yourself first before you put it on your child. if you have many children, put it on the one with the most potential first and go down the list. the genes must be passed on."

the whole cabin was filled with laughter. i smiled with tears in my eyes.

we were in the clouds now when i realized that it was so surreal, even the clouds were orange in color. i've taken a lot of flights but never been in something like this before.

"i'm up in the sky now. people always look up when they pray, as if You are up there. are You there?"

"am i closer to you now, God?"

dammit, i cursed at myself for being so emotional. i kept looking outside the window, trying to search for you.

"i know you're everywhere, God. please help me feel closer to you. soften my heart."

july 12, 2016 [9.29PM]