Tuesday, 26 April 2016

late night talks #2

it's 3.23am here and i'm still up. i submitted the final paper for my developmental psychology class just now, but heck i still have three more papers that i need to write. yes, i can certainly sense that the end of the semester is approaching. next week is finals week, and i'm glad i only have 3 finals albeit taking 7 subjects this semester. thank god.

i don't really have anything momentous to talk about today. i recalled a good friend of mine influentially said to me that i should articulate my thoughts on here more often and i think why yes i should really do that. it has truly been my goal ever since i made a blog. thus, i’m done with my work for the day and i feel like babbling something here. i asked diyana what i should write about but she's no help. i hate diyana. 

joke, i love her.

my first class ended really well, and my professor read off my question in front of the class so i was somewhat gratified. hehe. then, i was off to my second class. as per usual, i'm incessantly unfocused in this class. i put the blame on my laptop. this class finished pretty quickly, but before we walked out of class, maisarah shouted "goodbye professor" out loud. i got this strange blissful feeling seeing how my professor smiled sheepishly when he heard that, lol. then, i went to my last class a bit earlier today and i was awfully touched when my professor remembered my name (it’s a class with hundreds of students!). well, actually he came to me when we were waiting in front of the class and asked me whether he's pronouncing my name accurately. so cute. then, we played the jeopardy game in class and i helped my group to win. it was hilarious. go team broccoli!!

anyways, today i heard a news about a person whom once played an immense role in my life. the impacts that this person has brought into my existence were colossal. it wasn't a good news, and i was not entitled to feel bad or sympathize for that person, but i did. it seeped through me. nonetheless, there's nothing that i could do, so i hope everything goes well for that person.

also, i went to take a warm bath before going out this evening and when i checked my phone after that, i was bombarded with heaps of notifications from my friends calling me and messaging me. again, what the heck? i thought being single means being succumbed into inevitable lonely epochs and whatnots. but i swear, girlfriends are the best. they are legit my sweethearts. i looked through my messages and all i see is girls' names. my mom should really be worried that i'll never get married, lol. i'm not joking this time. 

so that's what's been going on for today, basically. i'm having an odd feeling of glee nowadays and i've been experiencing excessive laughing-out-loud outbreaks as well. it’s a peculiar feeling to me as it’s been a long time. hence, i just wanted to scribble it down here that i’m truthfully grateful for everything.


Friday, 22 April 2016

my dearest kakak

-April 11, 2016-

my dearest sister,

it's the #nationalsiblingday today, or maybe yesterday. i'm not sure, i'm always bad at remembering things. but recently i have been thinking to write about you. i have so many things that i am sorry about, so many things that i regret not doing, so many things i wish i have said to you.

i think you know, you are mama and abah's little girl. even though i am the youngest child, i am always away from home; i was in a boarding school since i was 13 years old, i had to do my preparation to come to america in a state so far away from kedah, and now i am here, a thousand miles away from all of you. it's been two years since i last went home. it's been more than 7 years that i have always been away from home. by nature, you took my place as their little girl. being the only daughter at home, i know mama and abah always want to keep you close to them, and our family gets a little overprotective over you. but i hope you know that they do that because they love you and because you're the only daughter they have at home.

i don't talk to you that often. i think it was because when i was in boarding school, i had no means to contact you, so i am used to talk about my everyday stuff with friends rather than you. i wish i've talked to you more often, i wish i've put more effort, i wish i could make up for the things i have done wrong.


i hope you know that i never want to see you get hurt, and i hate seeing you cry. i remember that one day when i was on a break at home, we were still sleeping on a double-decker bed at that time. i was playing with my phone but suddenly i heard your sobbing. you were crying because your leg was hurting. it hurt me so much at that time and i couldn't stop my tears. every time those memories come back to my mind, i swear it hurts so much i will start to cry again. i hope you know that you are one of the strongest people i have ever known. you always hide how you feel; you always keep quiet even if you are hurting. i don't want you to keep things to yourself anymore. i will listen to you.

you are such a kind and sweet girl. i remember that one time i used swear words in front of you and you scolded me. it was funny, i thought you were so cute. how can a person be so nice? i swear all my friends use swear words too. you are always the loving one too, sigh. you really love cats, you know how to play with kids, you are good at cooking, you always try giving your best in your relationships. i want you to know that you deserve a man that knows how to value you and treat you right. i swear, i am very overprotective over you about this. i will never give my approval to your boyfriend if i ever know he treats you wrongly. i hate seeing you get hurt.

we fought a lot too, sometimes i think you're annoying. i'm sure you feel the same way about me as well, lol. but i swear those fighting times do nothing to diminish my love for you. i always wish you are truly happy living your life without any pain, and i am always hoping to see you being successful and doing the things you love. i want you to be confident and know that you worth no less than anybody else.

i love you dearly, my only sister!!!

p/s: i put this post on draft for more than one week. but i think i should really put this out here. i don't know when else i can get this emotional and embarrassing bye

Friday, 8 April 2016

i need a damn watch

i was the least prepared for today's exam, for real though. i didn't study and i was procrastinating since last week. all i did was editing the vlogs and changing my header and giving syafiqah nadiah's her birthday present (her blog's header HAHAHAH) i'm the best kind of friend! who even give their friends a birthday present one month earlier?

so jokes aside, i went to take the exam today feeling anxious because i wasn't ready. the test started and i was answering all the short essay questions, which i didn't know i had so much to write about -_- i didn't have a watch so i just assumed that i still had a lot of time!! but then people started to return the exam paper to my professor and i was like what the heck? didn't we just start?!!! then my professor told me it was only 10 minutes left and i still had two long essay questions unanswered i was so stunned. just, really imagine how fast i wrote the rest of my essays and how my handwriting looked like. god, i don't even want to think about it.

conclusion, i need a damn watch yall. for real! time to browse through fossil website!

but well i'm super broke so i can just dream yall.

Thursday, 7 April 2016

the "privilege" game

We played the “privilege” game in class today. 
Basically, my classmates and I had to stand on one straight line in the middle of the class and we had to either move one step forward or backward by listening to Chai’s (my instructor) words. For example, Chai would say “Take one step back if you have ever been treated unfairly because of your race, religion, appearance, etc”, or “Take one step forward if you don’t have to rely on financial aids to support your education etc”. 
I was very confused because my life revolves around two different worlds. The one back at home, my beloved Malaysia, and the one here in the USA, where I am currently residing. Many of the things that make me extremely privileged in Malaysia, makes me become underprivileged here; my race, my religion, my appearance (especially the hijab), and sometimes my gender. At the end of the game, I was standing kinda far at the back of the class with a few “underprivileged” others, mainly because I reflected on my world here in the USA. It would have been a different case if I were to reflect on my world in Malaysia. 
So, I have a fair share of experience living in both the privileged and underprivileged worlds. Deep down, I think most of us who are privileged knew it, but sometimes we remain oblivious to acknowledge the fact that we are. Maybe we are afraid of change, scared to go out of our comfort zones. I think back about the opportunities I had to come study here, which were right in front of my eyes. I studied hard to grab it. But, there are some others who may have worked a thousand times harder than me but little or no opportunities at all await them. Political views aside, it’s just unfair. I personally believe everyone back at home deserves the same opportunities.

Tuesday, 5 April 2016