Wednesday, 24 January 2018


i thought i hated paris, but i think deep down my heart is longing for it.
i thought wrong.

Sunday, 7 January 2018

first week of 2018

i've contemplated on writing my thoughts out for so long, but it didn't feel right before. i was too angry, too pissed. i wouldn't write with any rationale. i am still mad now, but i am at a much better place than where i was a few days ago.

i don't even know where to start. i ended my 2017 with a lot of anger that i am not quite sure where i got it from. there was so much angst in me. i was always infuriated, annoyed by something. i blame it on the new medication that i started taking, which i know would mess up with my hormones. but my behaviour towards the people i love? nothing excuses it. i was a dick.

it didn't help that i got seriously sick on my long awaited trip to paris and amsterdam. the weather wasn't helpful too. i've many times told people that i love rain so much. but at that time, i almost wanted to say that i hated the rain. i was sick and the rain made it worse. my handbag was filled with medication tablets, and walking became such a pain. but i pushed through as i didn't know when i'd get to come back. though all i cared when i stepped a foot outside was counting the minutes to going back to the hotel again. it was the trip that i barely touched my phone to take any pictures. i just couldn't care less.

i arrived in london on new year's eve, in pain, crying because i just wanted to lie down and rest, or even die if it helped take the pain away. i slept all the way through the fireworks show; sedated as fuck. my body was filled with drugs. it was the only way i could manage the pain. i woke up on january 1st only to find out that a big chunk of my cash money that i had to survive this month was stolen from me, in my own house.

don't tell me i might've lost it somewhere. the night before i slept i definitely remember still having all of them in my purse. it was the money that i didn't change to euros from the trip. i was home the whole day, only leaving my room when i went to shower during the day, and somebody stole it from me. i remember i've lost my cash a few times before this but it used to be in small amounts so i didn't give it much thought. but not this time. i was enraged that my money was stolen, of course. but what bothered me the most was to think if it's actually someone inside the house who stole it from me. that much betrayal, i absolutely couldn't stand.

dragged myself to see the doctor on the next day, which caused me further pain as my body was being injected and assessed intrusively. i was crying the whole time. but i knew i had to do this to get better. i told myself that my 2018 definitely has gone down the drain and was trying to force myself to accept my fate. i thought the series of unfortunate events have ended. i was wrong.

from lost official graduation photos, missing clearance forms, forgetful nurses, unhelpful staffs, you name it. people's mistakes are causing me pain and trouble, but some things are beyond my locus of control. at one point that day, i screamed "what more bad things???!!! make them all happen now and not tomorrow". telling myself that tomorrow will be a better day was my only comfort. so make all the bad things happen now, and i will endure it. just don't ruin my tomorrow.

i know, i know. i sound like such a spoiled bitch. complaining so much about everything. but it was too much for me to handle at one point :( and this is my safe space for me to vent, to not make sense.

and guys, anyone who read this, please kindly send me your prayers. pray that He eases my affairs and makes it easy for me. make me stronger to face all that's happened and what's to come. please.

thank you so much. and i sure hope your start of the year hasn't been bad. if not, i hope it gets better for you too.


Wednesday, 13 December 2017

you look happier

few days ago, a very good friend of mine back in america told me, "you look happier now". it took me a moment to digest that sentence. i wonder how did she notice happiness, especially in someone like me. a deeply melancholic person. i made myself believe that my soul is filled with mellow and sorrow from generations before, and generations after. i feel too much and i feel for everyone. so it truly made me wonder what made her think i am happier now. but i am glad she spotted it <3

i was scrolling my feed on instagram when i noticed it; my feed's color is no longer the dark, gloomy, blueish tone. i noticed my captions nowadays are not as depressing as before. do you remember? i was so depressing back then. nothing necessarily bad happened to me. i think i just had a lot of time to dwell on my melancholia. i am too occupied with studies and work now, that i sometimes long for those fleeting moments where melancholia encompasses my core being, filling the void inside me. reminiscing; it felt like a dream.

throwback to about a year ago; gloomy blue tone, melancholic caption

i don't think it's a bad thing. i believe i am transitioning, maturing, growing, if you would think so. but, happier? i don't know about that. like hate, happy is such a strong word, for me. but i would admit, that i am content and thankful for everything in my life at this moment. i am in a much better place now. 

Saturday, 18 November 2017

bisik pada langit

i decided to watch bisik pada langit at 2am in the morning, without any prior idea about how the storyline would be. 15 minutes into the movie, my cheeks were wet with tears flowing like river. everything felt so real, so vivid. i couldn't take it.

it reminded me of november 4, 2016; of arwah taufiq. 

taufiq passed away so suddenly that none of us in purdue was ready for it. he was such a bright soul. our hearts broke, and we mourned. i remember myself crying whenever i went for the tahlil sessions they did. everyone came for you, taufiq. religion did not matter. everyone was there, mourning for you. we lost a diamond in our community.

but the night i remember the most was that night that your mother and sister arrived from malaysia, to bring your body back home. i felt so scared sitting in the surau, to face your family. i couldn't keep a strong face. when your mother came to me i saw she tried to smile in her tears, thanking us for being there. i could feel my chest tightened, i wanted to tell her what a kind soul you were. i couldn't. i was scared if i opened my mouth i would burst out crying. i hugged your mom. i hugged your sister. but i still couldn't imagine how much pain they were feeling.

that night, i saw the van that brought your body back to purdue. people said it's the last time we could ever see you. i didn't go still, i was too scared. the last memory of you that i had was when we were preparing for malaysian night. do you remember? i was the nosy videographer, recording everyone's moves. i played around with you a bit when we were arranging tables, and on that morning when you were playing guli with the americans.

when i had to begin editing the behind the scene video, little did i know that i would stumble upon my recordings of you again. the sadness came into me like strong waves. how do i edit the videos with you in it, when in the real world, you're no longer with us. i was heartbroken. i was so fond of you. you were just 20 years old. but i had to accept that god loves you more.

taufiq, i miss you. i hope your family is doing well. know that everyone still misses you. you are forever in our hearts. it's been more than a year now. somehow i could still imagine you in purdue, still completing your degree, goofing around with the others. but i know you are in a better place now.

fly high, my dear friend. al fatihah.

Thursday, 16 November 2017

it’s not love

i thought about what love is, and i don’t know the answer. sure, i’ve had a fair share of experiences, some good some bad, but i still don’t know what love is. i could say, love is kind. it is. but there are also days when love is rage and fire, and swear words become so comfortingly dear. it feeds the rage, it satisfies the ego. a deadly combination to feed the soul.

i think i’ve also once thought that love is selfless. how naive i was. it’s not true. at least not for me anymore. i can pretend to be selfless, but i am a selfish being. it gets tiring, when one’s needs are prioritised more than my own. i can still try to be selfless for sure, but once i start thinking about how i do not want to do it, it’s not sincere anymore. that’s not selfless, no?

people say love is when you always think about the person, when you care, when you protect, when you support, when you empower, when you comfort, when you laugh, when you cry, heck — i could freaking list all the verbs smh. i’m tired.

to be continued—

Friday, 10 November 2017

am i a failure?

life is indeed beautiful, but it isn't always easy. the way i portray my life on my social media may be all rainbows with occurrences of depressing posts sometimes. however, i rarely mentioned about any of my failures. thus, i often get cute, innocent messages from people, often the beautiful girls still in high school who kept asking me for tips on how to be successful. i gave whatever tips i could think of, hoping any of them would be of use.

nonetheless, i do want to note that i am not as successful as people might think. i've been reflecting a lot the past few days, as in gossiping with friends about my history, and it just reminded me of the things i have gone through to get here. it's not all rainbows, sadly.

i remember applying to get into sekolah aliran agama after UPSR examination only to be rejected by it. i wasn't aware of the existence of MRSM at that time, so when I saw a few of my classmates in the government school left for MRSM, i felt so left out. like hello, i got good grades too? i deserved to be in a good school as well. what a self-entitled human being. but hey, there's no harm in trying right? 

so i cycled to the post office and mailed a handwritten appeal letter (as in surat karangan rasmi hahaha) to MARA asking them to accept me to get into MRSM. life went on months after that when i suddenly got the letter saying i was accepted for fourth intake at MRSM Kubang Pasu. i was so happy. 

fast forward a few years later, i applied for the top 4 MRSM in malaysia after PMR examination with high hope that i would get in because i was a top student in my batch. i was on my way back to kedah after attending my grandma's funeral in johor when i got a call from my friend saying that the results were out and i wasn't accepted to any of the top 4 MRSM. 

i kept laughing and scolding them thinking it was a joke. it wasn't. i cried my heart out from taiping to kedah when i realized that i really wasn't accepted. my dreams shattered, my heart broken. but life goes on. i stayed at my old mrsm and was given so much opportunities that i probably wouldn't have gotten if i left. either way, i learned to make do with what i have and be grateful.

when i was in INTI doing my american degree foundation program, i really wanted to go to boston university to do my degree there. it was my number one choice amongst a list of five universities that i was applying to. i got accepted to all of them, except boston university; the one i had set my heart for. it costed me bucket of tears again. i was heartbroken. but i went ahead to purdue still and had an experience of a lifetime. i am still forever thankful.

after purdue, i went back home for good in january and wanted to work for a bit to fill up my free time. at that moment, i didn't know anyone else who did psychology and had graduated. thus i had no one to refer to. i wasn't sure where i can work/intern with a degree in psychology. i didn't have any connection. i was clueless. but i told myself again that there is no harm in trying to apply for everything. so i spent days emailing more than 40 people/companies asking about internship opportunities for psychology graduates. only a few people replied me back with rejection news, a very small number invited me for an interview, and the rest of them left my email unanswered. there were too many rejections. i felt unneeded. but thankfully, tfm needed me. 

some of the emails i sent to people...

then, i got accepted to do my masters in ucl. at that time, i was worried about finding a scholarship to study there, but i tried to be positive. i applied for maxis scholarship and worked hard to make the video thingy they asked applicants to do, and diyana even helped me with editing the video. however, i was rejected right away. my heart broke. 

i persevered and told myself that i would try for biasiswa yang dipertuan agong. i cried during completing the application form because there was so much i had to do within a short period of time. crossed my fingers that i would at least get invited for an interview with them because i've put so much effort in my application. but sadly that one evening when i was in kobe, i found out that i was rejected, again. [read more about it here]

i couldn't stop my tears from falling when i called my mom to tell her i failed. i was so disappointed with myself at that time because i felt like i've let people around me down. i was crying for days. there were moments when i was just doing my work and i'd suddenly burst out crying. i was just too sad. at that time, it was my only hope to go to ucl. my future seemed so blurry. but yayasan khazanah suddenly came to the picture and became my savior.

see? i have a lot of failures. i am just like everyone of you. i make mistakes, i fail, i get rejected. but i want us to remember that to keep going in this life, we have to be resilient. it's okay to break down and cry and eat tubs of ice cream if it will help us feel a lil better, but pick up ourselves again and continue the fight. 

i've learned that not trying gives me hurt and regret more than being rejected. do not be afraid to try and do not be afraid of failure. it will lead you to something else. 

spm kids, hang in there and i wish you all the best.


Monday, 23 October 2017

an overnight trip to lake district


i was in class when i got a text from sarah, asking if i want to go to edinburgh with her this weekend. i read that text many times, trying to weigh out options when another text came in from her, saying that it's her last weekend in the UK. that's when it hit me; i don't have any option. i HAVE to go with sarah. it's her farewell trip :(


i was home the whole day, trying to finish up as much work as i can before leaving for the trip that night. i also had a sudden visit from sheera, bringing her delicious banoffee pie for me because she made extra. i ended up introducing her to my friend, nad, who's on facetime when she came, and then we ended up talking about kpop while i was packing up stuff for the trip. nad was surprisingly chatty too, she usually takes time to warm up to new faces. oh well, girls, it's so easy to bond over kpop. lol

sarah and mimi picked me up and we went to azam & qaisy's house because they cooked dinner. when we arrived, we all sat in qaisy's room where buttered rice and grilled chicken were served on the table. not to forget, the precious keropok lekor from malaysia that qaisy fried for us. oh lord, it was heavenly! we all ate dinner and talked until everyone was so full, except me, i was already full before getting there.

so while they ate, me being me, i *analyzed* his room, well it was my first time being in an architecture's student room. so i guess i got really intrigued haha. his walls are covered with framed drawings, with his signature. qaisy jaslenda. they are mesmerizing, i couldn't stop staring. a nice melody of calm, peaceful songs was blasting through his speakers, so i wonder if architecture students have their own specific playlist they need to listen to while they sketch. i haven't asked them yet. did i not mention yet that they're all architecture students? azam, qaisy, sarah, and mimi. i was the odd one there haha.

when 'keroncong' by jamilah abu bakar started playing, qaisy began telling us about a fond memory he had with his late father.

"my house was at the top of the hill, facing the direction of where the sun sets. i remember my father playing this song for us in evenings, while the sun was setting down with its yellowish, orange beams glaring through the earth's surface, reflecting to my house which would light up in orange colors, it's beautiful. then my father would make us dance foolishly to this song, in the orange lights, while the sun sets on the horizon"

i listened quietly as he was telling us that, getting emotional. i tried to remember if i had any fond memory with my own father, but all i could recall was a memory of me being mischievous which made my father mad. it was the only time i ever saw my father cried. i was supposed to wait for my father to pick me up at school that day when i decided i wanted to walk around with my friends in the rain. i got home a few hours later with my family being worried, and my father was so mad at me that he hit me with his tie. it didn't hurt at all, but i cried. my father never hit me once, but that was the only time. he ended up crying, hugging me, saying he's sorry, he was mad because he's scared i was kidnapped. every time i thought my father doesn't love me, it always brought me back to that memory. he does.

getting back to the original story, we packed up and got ready to leave. dropped mimi at her house before the four of us drove to lake district, 5 hours drive from london. we all didn't sleep throughout the journey, because the one who falls asleep would need to sing a solo karaoke song... no one dared to sleep haha. but by the time we arrived at lake district, our throats hurt from singing too much. we don't have no one else to blame when our choices of songs are all the high notes songs. from adele's to christina aguilera's to whitney houston's, i was basically just screaming the whole time, instead of singing.

lake district was raining heavily when we arrived. it was cold, gloomy, foggy, but somehow we could feel it was amazingly beautiful regardless. nothing beats nature. i suddenly felt that sense of happiness flowing inside me. rain. something that always lights me up, comforting me. we freshen up at a nearby hotel where we parked before going to get breakfast, hoping the rain would stop by then. we got ourselves shots of espresso and ate our food before walking down to the lake. it was so beautiful. we could see the forest at the other side of the lake, covered in fog. mystical. i was enthralled.

we drove around again to the next town, and that's we found the beautiful forest-ish spots by the lake. we illegally parked nearby and walked to the forest. it was a nice walk by the lake, and we found a tiny bridge to help us cross over the stream, where a small cottage covered in greens lies by the lake. it's like in the movies. we ran on the green grass, hiked up to the top of the hill to find a nice bench overlooking the edge of the lake on the other side. a ferry passed by and we were jumping around waving our hands hoping they'd see us. we took a lot of pictures. we had a good time.

on our way back to the car, qaisy walked far to the front while i walked with sarah and azam. i had a feeling i would slip, and i did!!! i fell on the ground and had my right leg covered in mud. i laughed over it and got sarah and azam helped me to get up. we went to the stream by the tiny bridge and worked hard to clean the mud, trying to make my black jeans look black again haha. when we were done, we walked to the car where qaisy was waiting for us.

we drove to the nearest town, had our lunch there, and were on the road again for our next stop. we stopped at this beautiful waterfall by the road, with numerous sheep walking on the greens covering the hill. it's so breathtaking. we hiked up and took more pictures, including a group picture of us four after tirelessly trying to set up the self-timer and ran up hectically to our spots. we got the picture, thankfully. i enjoyed walking here with the sheep, it felt like i was part of the nature. the sun came out from the clouds at one point, glaring its heat on us though we were still freezing. but my heart was warm and fuzzy.

we then drove to blackpool, on our way back to london. it's a city by the beach, like brighton. we spent a short time there walking at the pier, and got excited when we saw a halal sausage shop but apparently they turned out to be vegan sausages. never trust the 'halal' sign blindly again :') i liked my time here because it was interesting seeing these architecture students comment about the city; the buildings, the industry, etc. i have never done that before when i travel. so i told myself next time i travel, i need to pay more attention to these things. after that, we went back to the car as it's time to go back.

azam's the first one to drive and we let qaisy and sarah slept. i accompanied azam driving because i know we're all tired for staying up the whole night before, due to the karaoke session... we talked a lot about our backgrounds and families. that was actually only the second time i met azam and qaisy, so i guess we have lots to get to know about other than our names and what we are studying. the traffic was quite slow, maybe everyone was going back to london to start school/work again. qaisy was snoring, sarah was silently sleeping at the back, and azam was getting tired. so we stopped and switched. i drove for a while after that before sarah took over and got us back in london.

we ate dinner at sarah's house, which is lovely. another architechture student, and she also had her drawings hanging on the wall. they look beautiful. we played a game called "who am i?" i think, and i ended up winning. beginner's luck, they said. how dare haha. i guessed right because i thought sarah is the kind of girl who would like mulan's character, and they all blamed me saying it's because i'm studying psychology. lol

we then went home, and azam gave me one of his pillows yay! he has too many apparently (7 of them), but well, who could say no to nice comfy pillows right. last night i ended up sleeping for 12 hours, i put the blame on that extra pillow on bed. hehe

in the end, i am glad to have gone with sarah for this trip. i don't know when else i would have the time to spend with her. my heart hurts thinking that she's leaving this weekend. i have only known her for a month, but fate is separating us already. she's a big sister to me that i would always cherish. and i'm always thankful for her for making my first month in london much better. sending her my wishes and prayers for her next chapter of life, commencing soon.

and that's how the overnight trip to lake district went. <3