Monday, 9 April 2018

a collection of sunsets

west lafayette, indiana. 
september 2016.

los angeles, california.
december 2016.

tokyo, japan.
march 2017.

kuala lumpur, malaysia.
april 2018.

p. s. i need to appreciate london more. 6 months there and i don't have even one photo of london's sunset?! unacceptable. this is a vow. i will appreciate london more when i return, 
even if it means running late to class by a few minutes because i stop by the road 
to take a picture of something pretty. 

Thursday, 22 March 2018

questions i could never answer | part 1

kuala lumpur, 1.18 am.

i looked at myself and wondered why i allowed myself to get hurt. people said pain helps you grow. i say, isn’t there an easier way? why do we say things have to be tough and difficult to be worthwhile? why do we always make it hard? is that why i always put myself in painful situations? but i’ve already grown a lot. i took myself out from instances like that already. but now they are coming to me when i am unarmed. i am unprepared. i am still a work in progress. i am incomplete. what if this actually breaks me?

Wednesday, 21 March 2018

i think people who read this blog are aware of how i have came to terms with my writing style; i mostly write when i am drowned in melancholic feelings and emotions. i know, i am a sad person. during some fragile, fleeting moments i’d get the opportunity to feel happy. but happiness, as we all must already know, are mainly temporary.

february was one of the hardest months i’ve ever lived. i never thought my tears could flow continuously for more than 24 hours but that one fateful day, i learned that i underestimated my limit. it’s been forever since i felt that heavy, lethal sadness in me. i wanted to write about it so badly.

i remember just crying on my bed with the urge to write but in all honesty i know i wouldn’t be able to even write a coherent sentence. it was a feeling too suffocating that its only place to live was only in my heart. i told you, i now have a hole in my heart because of that. how could i write about pieces i have lost? i have no power.

i can feel my 2018 is going downhill and i feel like everything’s beyond my control. god, do you hear me? i am asking for help. please. help me.

Tuesday, 20 March 2018

a sad tale

have you ever felt incredibly sad? one where it leaves you crying for days but your tears don’t seem to be able to stop flowing. like a river, they said. a few weeks ago, i was pretty sure mine was an enraged waterfall.

i woke up to a text message that broke my heart to billions of pieces. tbh, i think some of them are already lost. nothing can replace what i’ve lost that day. they are gone, forever. can’t you tell? it was definitely the saddest day of my life -

Friday, 9 March 2018

shoutout to those girls

[trigger warning, pls read with caution]

shoutout to those girls.

those girls, who had their lives ruined by men in a split second. those girls who were living happily, but because she was at the wrong place at the wrong time, she was stripped naked, raped. those girls who thought they were living at home with men figures who would protect her, but when the sun sets these animals crawled on her bed and silenced her. those girls who were told, if you want to be safe you have to be quiet. those girls who were afraid, scarred, asking for help but other people said it was all their fault. for those girls who fought for their dignity. for those girls who kept quiet because they thought it was the only way they could continue to live. for those girls who were told that this is okay, do not worry. for those girls who were betrayed. for those girls who became victims. victims of men's disgusting lust they lost their mind when a girl said 'no'. 

shoutout to those girls.

those girls, who were brave enough to say no. and those girls, who were scared but still tried to live with the fear. for those girls, who one day was suddenly trapped in a traumatizing loop of event that keeps repeating in their head, in their sleep, in their dreams. those girls who were abused. those girls who never had it easy. those girls who lived with their trauma. those girls who gave their trust to someone but was taken advantage of. those girls, who were tired in the train, minding her own business when they were groped by a fucking stranger. those girls, who cried in pain alone because they are too ashamed. those girls, who opened up to people about it but was told that they are lying. those girls, who hoped that people would protect her but ended up protecting herself. those girls, those girls. 

shoutout to those girls.

those girls who were so strong. so so strong. those girls who lived with their trauma, their secret. those girls, who fought. those girls, who kept quiet. those girls, who cried. those girls, who decided to take their own lives, because it is too much to bear. those girls, who decided to give up. those girls, who decided to keep going. those girls who teared up in her sleep. those girls who got flashbacks, haunting her, maybe forever. those girls, who were told, you are dirty. those girls, who were told that you are now worth nothing. those girls, who were told that nobody will ever want you. those girls who were told they don't fight for their dignity. those girls, who kept it all inside but held her head high and keep walking.

shoutout to those girls.

those girls whom i wish i could take some of your pain with me. those girls whom i wish i could take you to a place of safety. those girls whom i wish i can tell you that it is never your fault.

to those girls, 

it is never your fault. you are not dirty. whatever happened cannot dictate what's your worth or the value of your dignity. 

to those girls,

i am sorry, for not being there to help you go through it. 

to those girls,

i hope you continue fighting. 

Wednesday, 24 January 2018


i thought i hated paris, but i think deep down my heart is longing for it.
i thought wrong.

Sunday, 7 January 2018

first week of 2018

i've contemplated on writing my thoughts out for so long, but it didn't feel right before. i was too angry, too pissed. i wouldn't write with any rationale. i am still mad now, but i am at a much better place than where i was a few days ago.

i don't even know where to start. i ended my 2017 with a lot of anger that i am not quite sure where i got it from. there was so much angst in me. i was always infuriated, annoyed by something. i blame it on the new medication that i started taking, which i know would mess up with my hormones. but my behaviour towards the people i love? nothing excuses it. i was a dick.

it didn't help that i got seriously sick on my long awaited trip to paris and amsterdam. the weather wasn't helpful too. i've many times told people that i love rain so much. but at that time, i almost wanted to say that i hated the rain. i was sick and the rain made it worse. my handbag was filled with medication tablets, and walking became such a pain. but i pushed through as i didn't know when i'd get to come back. though all i cared when i stepped a foot outside was counting the minutes to going back to the hotel again. it was the trip that i barely touched my phone to take any pictures. i just couldn't care less.

i arrived in london on new year's eve, in pain, crying because i just wanted to lie down and rest, or even die if it helped take the pain away. i slept all the way through the fireworks show; sedated as fuck. my body was filled with drugs. it was the only way i could manage the pain. i woke up on january 1st only to find out that a big chunk of my cash money that i had to survive this month was stolen from me, in my own house.

don't tell me i might've lost it somewhere. the night before i slept i definitely remember still having all of them in my purse. it was the money that i didn't change to euros from the trip. i was home the whole day, only leaving my room when i went to shower during the day, and somebody stole it from me. i remember i've lost my cash a few times before this but it used to be in small amounts so i didn't give it much thought. but not this time. i was enraged that my money was stolen, of course. but what bothered me the most was to think if it's actually someone inside the house who stole it from me. that much betrayal, i absolutely couldn't stand.

dragged myself to see the doctor on the next day, which caused me further pain as my body was being injected and assessed intrusively. i was crying the whole time. but i knew i had to do this to get better. i told myself that my 2018 definitely has gone down the drain and was trying to force myself to accept my fate. i thought the series of unfortunate events have ended. i was wrong.

from lost official graduation photos, missing clearance forms, forgetful nurses, unhelpful staffs, you name it. people's mistakes are causing me pain and trouble, but some things are beyond my locus of control. at one point that day, i screamed "what more bad things???!!! make them all happen now and not tomorrow". telling myself that tomorrow will be a better day was my only comfort. so make all the bad things happen now, and i will endure it. just don't ruin my tomorrow.

i know, i know. i sound like such a spoiled bitch. complaining so much about everything. but it was too much for me to handle at one point :( and this is my safe space for me to vent, to not make sense.

and guys, anyone who read this, please kindly send me your prayers. pray that He eases my affairs and makes it easy for me. make me stronger to face all that's happened and what's to come. please.

thank you so much. and i sure hope your start of the year hasn't been bad. if not, i hope it gets better for you too.